Saturday Night Drive-In: Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

A few life lessons I've learned from the undead in Underworld: Rise of the Lycans:

• You can never be too pale, or too skinny. Or too hairy. Or too British.


• Opposites attract. Sometimes they attract so much they have to strip down and get busy right there in the dungeon.


• Having your werewolf lover de-wormed isn’t just a good idea, it’s the key to a happy, parasite-free relationship.


• Everything looks better in a blue tint.


• Just because you’re English doesn’t mean you can’t have rockin’ pecs and abs.


• Rhona Mitra is no Kate Beckinsale, but Micheal Sheen has more manliness in his goatee than Scott Speedman has in his entire body.


• If you’re half man, half wolf, then leather vests, spiked collars, chains, and whippings aren’t a lifestyle choice, they’re just tools of the trade.


• If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing in slow motion with the wind in your hair. This is especially true when it comes to vamp-wolf lovin’.

• Clean up your own mess—the deal was we’d let you have a werewolf as long as you picked up after him.


• There’s no problem that can’t be solved by dropping to your knees and howling at the top of your lungs into the night sky.


• Sometimes to make an omelet you have to break a few peasant skulls. That’s what they’re there for.


• When your job title is Death Dealer, don’t expect to get invited to a lot of Game Nights.


• No matter how advanced CGI gets, werewolves will always look like giant frog-monkeys with scoliosis.


• Your Vampire Council works for you—get involved! Think globally, act nocturnally.

• Michael Sheen and Viggo Mortensen can pull off the long, greasy hair and beard thing. You can’t. Go shower and shave now, please.


• There may come a time when you feel like you're the only man-wolf lycan hybrid in the whole world and nobody will ever understand you. At times like these the best thing to do is bite a bunch more guys and turn them into man-wolf lycan hybrids.


• Ain’t no leapin’ like fancy wolfman leapin’.


• Take a nap every afternoon. Especially if exposure to sunlight makes your skin start to smoke and sizzle like a marshmallow that fell into the campfire.

• Share everything with your half-wolf, half-human brethren… or one day they’ll rise up and turn you into an undead Pez dispenser.


• Don’t hit people. It’s much better to stab them, shoot them with a crossbow, or tear out their throat with your teeth.


• It’s always darkest before the dawn. Unless you’re a vampire. Then the dawn can be a real mess.


•  Even if you’re just doing it to get information, biting your vampire daughter in the neck is still kinda icky.


• Wash your hands before you eat your vampire overlords.


• The bigger the crossbow, the bigger the bolt. The bigger the bolt, the more wolfmen you can shish kabob.


• Keep your dungeon clean—you never know when you might have to lock your children in there.

•  If you love your lycan, set him free. If he doesn’t come back, set his vampire lover on fire.


• It takes more than a sword through the mouth to stop Bill Nighy, kids.


• If you don’t make a few female lycans somewhere along the way, it’s going to be rough and frustrating trying to keep the species going.


• Don’t watch the third film of a horror action franchise—especially a prequel—with very high expectations. Or sober.

Comments

[Katrus]

I can't comprehend why werewolves in movies look so shoddy. The second season of Doctor Who pulled one off very well, and that episode had a fraction of the budget any Hollywood movie does.

[Dana]

I really liked this movie.

[Spaz]

"If you love your lycan, set him free. If he doesn’t come back, set his vampire lover on fire."

LOL, awesome.

[Trevor]

The problem with many new movie werewolfs is the size of the wolf is usually much larger than the human, which always bugs me.

[Linda B.]

Laughing so hard it hurts!!! Oh... pain... stop!

[Carrie]

These are great!

[Dee]

Well, after having watched it - and I did enjoy it - I now have to go back and watch the first one 'cause I forgot what happened and I'm confused. A couple of the things that happened didn't flow for me, but all in all it was pretty good. I agree, biting his daughter was pretty icky, but that's why we love Viktor, his delightful ickiness. Being a woman I enjoy the love scenes, you get the jist without the jiggy if you get my drift. I also enjoyed the pithy comments above. One question though - did I miss the Dad of Marcus and William in this one or the first one? Wasn't sure where he came in as being immortal because I thought they got bitten by their respective animals.

[kseb]

How is it the daughter managed to grow up? Everything I have ever seen says vampires don't age. And how is it she was born and is pregnant? Otherwise I liked the movie.

[Luis C.]

I thought it was a good movie. Maybe I'm biased because I LOVED the first two. I hope they keep 'em comin'!

[Lavenderforluck]

LMAO best review of this movie so far we rented it we watched it and it was Highly Lacking in alot of areas
this review is right on the money

[Milton Barr]

Read. Laugh. Repeat. Often

[Danielle]

What are you talking about??? I thought this movie was great. And Rhona Mitra is way sexier than Kate Beckinsale!

[Good Times]

I loved the movie, too. All of them! Rhona Mitra is definitely hot, and so is Kate. Watching the first two again connected a lot of things. Good stuff!

[Jimby]

I just watched this last night for the first time. Did anyone notice that Vikor gave the amulet to Sonja when she was a child? But, he only received the amulet after the chamber was built and William had been locked up. And, Selene was a child when the chamber was built. Which should mean that Selene and Sonja where both children at the same time. Since Sonja is about the same age when she dies, as Selene was when she was first bitten, this would mean that (unless vampires age faster than mortals to a certain age) Vikor killed Sonja and bit Selene almost right away. Why was it that I thought several years (or centuries) had passed instead of a few days or weeks? Silly me.

[Travis Crump]

I can handle the fact that when they become werewolves that they get bigger than they are as humans WAY more than I can the fact that in Wolverine, unlike in the comics (not to mention the first 3 movies), suddenly Sabretooth is the same size as Wolvie...no wonder he was never able to call him "runt" the whole film, kind of hard to do that when you're no longer bigger than the other guy any more.

Speaking of which, I liked how Wolverine had the HUGE budget that it did compared to the budget for this newest Underworld...and yet despite that, Wolverine contradicted the prior films WAY more than Underworld did. I actually enjoyed this Underworld more than the second one.

P.S. Rhona is NOT sexier than Kate. Insane thoughts like that are what lead to werewolf and vampire crossbreeding to begin with!

[Melinda]

Per Carrie's question I believe that the father of William and Marcus must have had some genetic mutation that allowed his sons to be bitten and thus immortal. Now, having said that, I feel like I must whip out my pocket protector and snort as I laugh!

[D-WEBB]

people who do these reviews are idiots when you talk about the movie. give away details and such. any movie critic out there sums it up with one or even a few words to let you know if its worth seeing. not tell them who dies and where the movie messed up. i hate you guys. and thanks to anyone who doesnt do that! great movie!! and its better than any movie you idiots have ever made or starred in! SHUT UP! and she is very hot and comparing her to any star is stupid..they picked her and did for whatever reason..idiots

[Locke Peterseim]

Wait, I was supposed to REVIEW the movie, too? D'oh! I knew I'd forgotten something... maybe some day I'll get the hang of this job...

[Kreg]

I loved thw movie. I have loved all of the underwolds. There are a few things in this one that seem out of place but maybe they will make another and it will fill in the blanks. I would recomend anyone that liked the first two should se this one.

[DragonWire]

Come on guys. Its not nice to hand out spoilers without a SPOILER ALERT! Just not nice.....

The Underworld Trilogy ROCKS!

[stephanie]

great job locke - hilarious!

[Nadia]

I watched this movie with no expectations and i rented it for a dollar and it wasn't half as bad as i thought it would be. I liked it more than the second one. I wasn't expecting an Oscar performance but it was an amusing 1:40 minutes. As for which actress is sexier, both women are in their own right and plus each one played a separate character.

[Tony]

De que hablan, la pelicula fue muy buena. Sobre la actrices, las dos son bellas, pero prefiero a Kate.

[As they say, the film was very good. As for the actresses, the two are beautiful, but I prefer Kate.]

[dominique]

will there be another movie because they made this one to inform us about the past but i wanna see what happens next

[melissa orosco]

I was confused but i did enjoy the movie like the others i dont know what it is about vampires so i hope ther is another one to conect them all.Also i dont get at the end where saline is on the building it looked too current like in a city can somebody reminnd me i just have to buy them all.
Sorry
Melissa

[Jimby]

Excuse me Melissa and Kreg but where were the spoilers? In fact, I don't think there was hardly any information in this movie that wasn't presented in the first 2 movies. We already knew most of the outcome from this movie. We already knew who was with whom, who dies and how they die. This movie was more about how we get from point A to point B. We already know how things end, we just want to see how it unfolds. I might have missed it but I don’t really see how this movie could be spoiled unless someone didn’t see the other 2 movies. Realistically, if you read comments on the third movie in a trilogy and think that people aren’t going to talk about information that was presented in the first 2 movies, you are delusional.