Believe it or not, there are a few people out there who are not teenage girls. These people may have heard tell of the Twilight Phenomenon, but are not familiar with the books or the film.
Now, if you want to read positive reviews of Twilight, check out Erika's here, or James's here.
But for the rest of you, I present Saturday Night Drive-in's Twilight Theater:
PALE GIRL: Hi, I’m new here.
PALE BOY: I hate you. I love you. I want to eat you.
PALE GIRL: Let us go yearn for one another in the woods.
PALE GIRL: Did you just stop that van with your bare hands?
PALE BOY: No.
PALE GIRL: Yes you did.
PALE BOY: No I didn’t.
PALE GIRL: I saw you.
PALE BOY: You are clearly a crazy person.
PALE GIRL: I’m not.
PALE BOY: Look at me over here in the sunlight.
PALE GIRL: Ooooooh, sparkly.
PALE BOY: I am your darkest desire and your worst nightmare.
PALE GIRL: You’re a chocolate pony filled with algebra?
PALE GIRL: How old are you?
PALE BOY: I’m a 21-year old actor, playing a 90-year-old vampire, pretending to be a 17-year old teenager.
PALE GIRL: So you can buy beer?
PALE BOY: I’m dangerous.
PALE GIRL: I’m not afraid.
PALE BOY: I watch you while you sleep.
PALE GIRL: That’s disturbingly hot.
PALE BOY: I've killed people.
PALE GIRL: I love you unconditionally.
PALE BOY: I drive a Volvo.
PALE GIRL: I just remembered I have a thing I have to go to…
PALE BOY: You make me twitch and sulk.
PALE GIRL: You make me breathe through my mouth.
PALE BOY: I would like to take you on a date in a tree.
PALE BOY: I will refrain from doing anything un-gentlemanly, like killing and eating you.
PALE GIRL: I am dating the undead Jonas Brother.
PALE BOY: Do you see how fast I can run?
PALE GIRL: You look like a meth addict on a treadmill.
PALE BOY: You can’t run this fast.
PALE GIRL: Good. I’d hate to look that stupid.
PALE BOY: Us vampires like to play baseball.
PALE GIRL: Why?
PALE BOY: We suck at knitting.
PALE GIRL: Uh huh.
PALE BOY: See what I did there? “Suck at knitting.”
PALE GIRL: Yep, got that.
PALE GIRL: The Native American guys keep making wolf references.
PALE BOY: Shhhh. Those are sly nods to the fans who’ve read the other books.
PALE GIRL: There are more books?
PALE BOY: Yes, three more.
PALE GIRL: And we’re contractually obliged to appear in those films, too?
PALE BOY: Afraid so.
PALE GIRL: My agent is so dead.
BAD GUY VAMPIRE: I’m going to eat you. You can tell your boyfriend to avenge you.
PALE GIRL: Now? Or after I’m dead?
BAD GUY VAMPIRE: Well, not right now. I’m going to kill you right now.
PALE GIRL: Hmmm. Maybe I could leave a note for him. About the avenging?
BAD GUY VAMPIRE: Okay, that would work.
PALE BOY: Excuse me, some plot has come up. I must go wrassle this evil vampire.
PALE GIRL: Don’t mind me, I’ll be over here pining. And yearning. And bleeding.
PALE BOY: Would you like to go to prom with me?
PALE GIRL: Will there be a gazebo with fairy lights?
PALE BOY: Yes.
PALE GIRL: Will I feel like the most special, moody princess in the world?
PALE BOY: Yes.
PALE GIRL: Will there be synchronized group dancing?
PALE BOY: No.
PALE GIRL: Okay.
PALE GIRL: Our love is eternal.
PALE BOY: Our angst is interminable.
AUDIENCE: Our patience is finite.
Wow. I said about your review of Retrograde that it was the best movie review ever (and even had someone agree with me!). But I was wrong, clearly. Unless I can't call this a review, and simply call this the best movie blog post ever. Locke, you rock!!
Posted by: Spaz | March 29, 2009 at 08:01 AM
thank you for salvaging an otherwise unwatchable movie
Posted by: Juiceman | March 29, 2009 at 12:48 PM
Hilarious!
Posted by: Dawn | March 29, 2009 at 06:37 PM
I quit watching during the "attack" scene. Totally did not get any of it. My IQ was 127 in high school and I haven't been diagnosed with any dementias. Reminded me of the first movie that I quit watching called Frankenstein. There was a scene where a little girl was on a grassy bank and he approached her. I was at a drive-in movie with my family and was about 7 years old. Got on my hands and knees in the back seat, covered myself with a blanket and my Father got angry because my Mother had him leave the drive in because of my trauma. This time, I just left the living room in total confusion as the grandchildren 18 and 14 yrs. watched this. They had even read the book and I told them I was not into any of the fantasy stuff. I never watched Twilight Zone either. Unreality as far as I am concerned. I din't care for Harry Potter either, but at least I did try to get it.
Posted by: Julia Tucker | March 29, 2009 at 07:56 PM
I had been toying with the idea of watching this on dvd. Thank you so much for saving me the money and time I would have wasted.
Posted by: Olivia Sipper | March 29, 2009 at 10:27 PM
Well Olivia, don't let me dissuade you if you're interested -- after all, I'm very much NOT Twilight's target audience, and lots and lots (and lots of lots) of folks really like the film.
In fact both James and Erika liked it more than I did -- be sure to check out their reviews, linked from the post above or here:
http://blog.redbox.com/redblog/2008/11/twilight.html
http://blog.redbox.com/redblog/2009/03/twilight.html
after all, I'd hate to deny anyone the opportunity to see for themselves all the angsty yearning... and yearning... and yearning...
Posted by: Locke Peterseim | March 29, 2009 at 11:07 PM
That WAS a hilarious recap. After all the hype, I read the first book and couldn't believe that there is seemingly a huge crowd liking this series. I couldn't get over the constant yearning and would have to agree with Stephen King's assessment of her writing skills. And, that somebody would actually attempt to make a movie out of this???? Wow -- simply amazing!
Posted by: Heike Van Pelt | March 30, 2009 at 11:09 AM
I was trying to describe Twilight to my 50 something mom on the weekend, I think I'll just send her over here. Even though I am a Twilight fan, I can accept it for what it is. Thanks for the superb review.
Posted by: kristin | March 30, 2009 at 11:13 AM
I will admit that I bought the DVD (*hanging my head in shame*) and that I've read all the books despite the poor writing contained therein ... and although I DO like them (like a drug they are - horrible yet addicting) your review was absolutely perfect! Sad, that I STILL like them anyway.
Posted by: Heather J. | March 30, 2009 at 11:17 AM
Heather, I have the exact same problem with Oreo Cakesters... and just when I thought I had that addiction whipped, they come out with Nilla Wafer Cakesters! *shakes fist* Curse you, cruel snack gods!
Posted by: Locke Peterseim | March 30, 2009 at 11:21 AM
And this right here, this amazing recap, is EXACTLY why I keep coming back. Thank you, Locke, for bringing your cynical humor to this movie and enriching all of our lives just a little. That was perfection!
Posted by: Jason | March 30, 2009 at 11:57 AM
Why thank you all -- I'm glad you enjoyed it. But "cynical humor," Jason!? You should see me WEEPING at the end of Return of the King...
Posted by: Locke Peterseim | March 30, 2009 at 11:25 PM
funny.. but, he was a 21 year old actor (not 30, fyi)
Posted by: emma | March 31, 2009 at 12:21 PM
Math is hard.
Especially on a Saturday night.
Posted by: Locke Peterseim | March 31, 2009 at 12:55 PM
Oh come on. You know that your sense of humor tends to fall more on the cynical side than not! And it is physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually impossible to be cynical about the ending of Return of the King. That was a masterpiece and by far the best movie adaptation of a genre-fiction novel series ever attempted.
Posted by: Jason | March 31, 2009 at 02:03 PM
Aw man! Wait. So- Blade doesn't show up in this one?!
Loved your take on it Locke. I won't be seeing it & you saved me a bunch of money on my car insurance!
Posted by: flower_child | March 31, 2009 at 03:26 PM
you may be bad at math on a saturday night, but your sense of humor is spot on =)
Posted by: emma | March 31, 2009 at 03:48 PM
Okay, I'm a huge Twilight fan and that was still hilarious. The movie is not what we expected it to be. It was a little disappointing. And yes, I laugh my butt off every time he says "Spider Monkey". BTW why didn't you mock that part? It's totally mock-worthy.
Posted by: Elizabeth | March 31, 2009 at 11:06 PM
So much to mock, Elizabeth, so little time -- I may have to do Twilight Theater Part Deux... except that might mean actually WATCHING it twice *shudder*
Posted by: Locke Peterseim | March 31, 2009 at 11:18 PM
This movie was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Raquel | March 31, 2009 at 11:53 PM
Who knew you were so funny?? Oh, wait, I did! Funny!!!!!! You so funny!!! ( I like exclamation points, a lot!!!)
I HATED this movie, so thank you for this review, can't wait for my 12 year old daughter to read it. Perhaps she will begin to see the humor in the blank stares and the wild-chicken-meth-head-running man.(I am also fond of running words together with hyphens)
Posted by: Meg | April 01, 2009 at 10:14 AM
The books are ok, the movie was berable, but your synopsis is the BEST! I was laughing so hard that people were looking over at me like I am mentally challenged! :o)
Posted by: Amy | April 02, 2009 at 12:18 PM
My son, he is 23, told me not to waste my hard earned dollar.
Posted by: Greg Anson Sr. | April 03, 2009 at 06:04 AM
I like this movie but I loved your take on it. It was hilarious!
Posted by: Danielle | April 04, 2009 at 04:25 PM
The book are amazing. the movie dont make justice. Good review
Posted by: Rei | June 10, 2009 at 11:51 AM
This is absolutely hilarious. The movie was just on at the gym yesterday so I caught part of it for the first time. Maybe I'm just not caught up on the teenage girl hype, but I didn't really understand the anticlimactic drama backed up by suspenseful music. For two hours. Of my life. Now gone. Love Robert Pattinson, though.
Posted by: Children of the 90s | July 01, 2009 at 03:18 PM
If you liked this, you'll really like the puppet take on Twilight. Just type that into YouTube and enjoy, so much fun!
My personal favorite from your list was the interminable angst and finite patience, that was beautiful.
Posted by: Parsing Nonsense | July 01, 2009 at 03:26 PM
I love Twilight but this is FANTASTIC. Thank you.
Posted by: Ninotchka | July 01, 2009 at 03:35 PM
I haven't read the books, and when I asked the guy at the video store about the DVD he said, "To be honest, they make vampires look a bit gay". So we passed on the movie too! Just as well, otherwise I'd never hear the end of it - my husband would hate all this paleness and yearning!
Posted by: Hanlie | July 01, 2009 at 03:41 PM
Total genius. I laughed through the entire thing!
Posted by: Jamie | July 01, 2009 at 05:01 PM
Oh MY GOD! Just found this link from Jen Lancaster and just saw the movie for the second time Monday night, so this is freshalicious!
FABULOUS! I am going to tweet it to everyone!!!
(well, not everyone, just the suckers who follow me and wish they didn't ... but they will love me now when I share this!)
Posted by: Manic Mommy | July 01, 2009 at 11:24 PM
I rented it and I want my money back!! I lasted twenty minutes and it was sheer self-forced inflicted torture.. because I paid four-fifty to rent one of the most boring movies I ever watched for twenty minutes! Now.. where's the line for my refund???
Posted by: North | July 02, 2009 at 02:50 AM
btw Locke... great movie review.. I laughed, giggled n'chuckled too(where do I send the checque?)
Posted by: North | July 02, 2009 at 02:51 AM
"The undead Jonas Brother"
that made me laugh so hard I spit out coffee onto the monitor.
I Netflixed that movie and felt like I really wanted those 2 hours of my life back. I feel worse for two of my friends who want the 2 hours AND their money back.
Posted by: Rachel | July 05, 2009 at 02:05 PM
Haven't read the books yet. Saw the movie and this is absolutely dead on. I love it. I can't wait for your take on the other movies!
Posted by: Karen | July 09, 2009 at 01:58 PM
a friend sent me a link to this...hilarious!! hated the movie, loved the books. sometimes i don't read for intellectual stimulation. sometimes i just need to get away from my textbooks for one hour. i got sucked in to this series and i am not ashamed of it. mindless novels are good for the soul!!
Posted by: Sarah B. | July 11, 2009 at 09:20 PM
All I can say is Twilight= a pathetic example of why people shouldn't be given a bunch of money and a camera. A beautiful review, just sorry you had to actually watch the movie to write it.
Posted by: K-lei | July 12, 2009 at 06:58 AM
spot on - locke
Posted by: shannon | August 11, 2009 at 11:35 AM
Eh, I didn't hate the movie, but I didn't necessarily like it either. Your reiview was Effing Hilarious though
Posted by: Blake | September 09, 2009 at 01:21 AM
Please don't diss Twilight! Twilight is awesome,you haters!
Posted by: Ms.TwilightVoice | October 14, 2009 at 09:31 PM