What I Learned from the New Conan the Barbarian Movie

by | Aug 21st, 2011 | 11:01AM | Filed under: Movies

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1) Have Morgan Freeman Narrate Your Back Story

Read the following movie prologue:

“Many moons ago in the Age of Banjos the Otter God Binky Wigglebottom gathered all the evil muffin trolls of the land under his command and waged war on the good people of Zima-stan. He was searching for the Dire Leg Warmers of Power that would give him mastery of all things. But there arose from the Valley of the Squirrel Lickers a great warrior who would fight for what was right and good. And his name was MC Jello Mold.”

Now imagine the same prologue being read by Morgan Freeman.

Better, right?

2) Get Battle Born or Go Home

Anyone can give birth in a hospital or indoors with the help of doctors or midwives. Real men–battle-born men!–are cut by their father from their mother’s belly as she lays dying in the middle of a bloody war zone. (Afterwards, be sure to hold the baby up really high and yell a lot. See #7.)

3) A Cimmerian Warrior has Cunning, Balance, Speed, and Strength

He also has a fantastic skin-care regimen and a membership at Gold’s Gym. And larger breasts than you.

4) The Mystery of Steel is that it Requires Both Fire and Ice

This is clearly important because Conan’s Dad (Hellboy) says so, and he knows about steel. (And about birthing babies on a battlefield.) This is not to be confused with the Mystery of Sweet Baby James, which requires both fire and rain. Or the Mystery of Reuniting, which requires both Peaches and Herb.

5) You Cannot Hope to Defeat Rose McGowan’s Cleavage of Evil

And even if you did, you’d still be no match for her Giant Forehead of Malevolence. Or her vaguely incestuous finger sucking.

6) Sometimes You Have to Cut Off the Other Guy’s Nose to Spite His Face

However, poking your finger in the nose hole afterwards is just being a sore winner.

7) When in Doubt, Hold Something Over Your Head and Yell at the Heavens

Doesn’t matter what it is–a newborn child, your father’s sword, a bag of Cheetos–as long as it’s important to you and you hold it up really high and yell really loudly.

8) You Can Never Have Too Many Topless Wenches

There are eight “topless wenches” credited in Conan the Barbarian. Plus two “belly dancers,” two “slave girls,” and one “sacrificial victim.” (None of them wearing tops, all of them with perfect white teeth. Say what you will about the Hyborian Age, but it had an excellent dental plan.)

9) If You’re Gonna Make an Omelet, You Gotta Lop Off a Few Heads

There’s no problem you can’t solve by cutting off someone’s head. It gets people’s attention and says, “I’m willing to swiftly separate your head from you body if you’d don’t stop drinking the Diet Rite I had in the break-room fridge with my name clearly written on the side in magic marker.”

10) Woo a Woman with Lines Like, “Do as You’re Told, Woman”

She will be so overwhelmed by your rugged charms she’ll let you get boinky with her on a cave rock.

11) If You Become a God-like Shadow Lord, One of Your Special New Powers is the Ability to Make Big, Long-winded Speeches About How Much Power You Now Have

Your enemies will be very impressed. Even if you deliver your speech while wearing a magic octopus hat.

12) Nothing Beats an Old-fashioned Villain Impaling

For years you couldn’t be a villain in an action flick or thriller without running a 65% chance you’d wind up stuck on something sharp before the end credits. Lately there’s been a dearth of climactic villain impalings, but no more–Conan‘s bringing pokey back!

13) More Mead!

No seriously. You’re going to need several barrels of it before Conan is over.


More sword and sorcery action from redbox:

5 Responses to “What I Learned from the New Conan the Barbarian Movie”

  1. Fiirvoen
    Posted on August 22, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Yay! Best humor review ever! The denizens of the internets thank you, Locke!

  2. Leon Hammell
    Posted on August 26, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    Hey Idoits your opinions suck on this movie. Don’t mock or criticize what you would not stand for cowardly loins.

  3. Locke Peterseim
    Locke Peterseim
    Posted on August 26, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    Hey Leon, so you’re saying I should stand for living, loving, and slaying? Okay, I think I can get down with that. And I’ll have you know I have never stood for or supported in any way cowardly or otherwise slothful or subversive loins.

    The Head Idoit

  4. Trevor L
    Posted on August 26, 2011 at 11:00 pm

    My loins are only cowardly when there’s someone in the next stall. I’m a nervous pooper.

  5. carte'l j. Butler
    Posted on July 17, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    Great movle.