If you’re like me, you get a kick out of watching giant robots beat the ball-bearings outta each other in the Transformers movies, but have trouble keeping track of who’s who and why they’re always robo-wrasslin’.
So to prepare for the third flick, Transformers: Dark of the Moon (read my review here), I asked my six-year-old nephew Warren to sit down with me and re-watch Transformers and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. (Both available now from redbox.)
I learned quite a bit.
Below are Warren’s insights into the world of giant transforming robots.
Warren On the Backstory
- This first part of the first movie doesn’t even have anything happening – it just talks about the Earth.
- The All Spark is the cube they’re fighting over. They want to get it because it makes them fight better. Because it goes into their heart. But then they lost it in the stars.
- The army guys are part of Optimus Prime’s army. They’re the people Optimus Prime likes–they protect him and the other Transformers on his team. They all live together underwater, like Sponge Bob.
- Autobots don’t make trouble, Decepticons do. You know this Transformer is a bad guy ‘cause he doesn’t have blue and red on him. He’s in the bad-guy army. I think he’s hungry. Like me.
Warren On Who’s Who in the Autobots
- My favorite Transformer is Optimus Prime. He’s the leader ‘cause he’s the biggest. He does most of the fighting. The little guys just stay in the car.
- Ironhind [sic] just rolls and rolls and rolls, doesn’t even fight. He’s just like, “jump, roll, jump, roll, jump, roll.” But he’s good in a fight ‘cause he knocks people over.
- That’s Sam, Optimus Prime’s person he likes. Sam’s big enough to get a car. Bumblebee is his car—Bumblebee’s a Transformer so he can drive himself. My sister has a car, but it’s not a Transformer. She has to drive it herself.
Warren On the Decepticon Leadership Hierarchy
- Megatron is the leader of the bad guys. Starscream is a bad guy, too. He’s trouble. He’s the baddest one ever. He’s supposed to be the leader of the bad guys, but Megatron was the first one to ask to be the leader.
- Starscream wanted to be the leader, but the leader has to have a special weapon. Starscream’s special weapon is a missile launcher, but he’s not that good with missile launchers. He hurts himself with ‘em. The other guys are like, “Starscream, whatcha doin’ up there?” And Starstream is like, “Hello, want some of this?” and he shoots the missile launcher and it comes back and hits him in the head. And everyone is like, “How’d Starscream get knocked out?” It’s ‘cause the missile launcher hit him in the head.
Warren On Why Revenge of the Fallen is Better/Worse than Transformers
- Part two is easier to understand because they don’t fight that much. They only fight three times and they fight like four times in part one.
- [A few minutes later] Two is the worst movie ever ‘cause they have more fighting. One fight is two fights together.
- [A few more minutes later] Two is the better movie ‘cause it has more fights. Like this one is the hugest fight ever! They’re fighting a Decepticon with one wheel!
[This is about as cohesive and coherent a grasp of the two movies' qualities as I've heard.]
Warren On Revenge of the Fallen‘s Controversial “Twins”
I don’t know what these two guys are all about. All they do is fight against each other and they’re on the same team. One says something mean to the other one like, “You’re stupid,” and the other one’s like, “You’re stupid” and then they fight. Like me and my sister.
Warren On the Ins and Outs of Transformer Battles
- The little Transformers are the best ones to fight—they don’t knock people over, they just pull ‘em over. Like a cop. “Pull over right now!” Bumblebee’s good at shmooshin’ little Transformers.
- The bad Transformer’s head got chopped off, but his head is a spider so it can still move around. I don’t have a spider head, but I do have a chocolate milk mustache. See?
- Starscream’s shooting all over the place, but he’s not shooting Prime. He’s just shooting the ground. But now Optimus got sworded by Megatron. That’s not nice, but before this Optimus Prime did something he wasn’t supposed to—he came up behind a person and jumped on his head and broke something.
- This big guy at the pyramid is a lot of trouble. Look at that thing—he can suck stuff in. But I don’t know what happens to those guys he ate up. Transformers don’t poop.
Warren On Why John Turturro is in His Tighty Whities in Fallen
I don’t know at all.
Note: Every time I asked Warren about Megan Fox, why she’s in the movie and why Sam likes her, he responded with a shrug. So it’s good to know that at six, Warren’s understanding of girls is about as sketchy as my understanding of Transformers.
Transformers and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen are both available from redbox.