Schmucks on Parade! Ten Great Movie Morons

by | Jan 5th, 2011 | 8:06PM | Filed under: Movie Lists

With Dinner for Schmucks out on DVD and Blu-ray, we’re looking at the grand tradition of the Movie Schmuck. To keep the list at just 10, I’ve narrowed it to the Blowhard Buffoon: the character whose smug estimation of his own smarts is matched only by his ignorance.

When it comes to starring roles, the Movie Blowhard Buffoon is usually the domain of the White Male. There’s a reason for that–mocking pretentious, puffed up, deluded fools means you’re going to go after the ruling or power elite, and until relatively recently that meant White Guys.

Plenty of actresses play Blowhard Buffoons on TV, such as Sarah Silverman and Jane Krakowski (30 Rock), but mainstream movies rarely let them make as much of an ass of themselves. When actresses do play dumb in movies, it’s usually sweet, ditzy dumb, or smart and sassy, as opposed to stupidly arrogant. Though plenty of actresses give great schmuck in supporting roles, including Madeline Kahn, Joan Cusack, Parker Posey, and Kristen Schaal.

Likewise I’m leaving out good-hearted, well-meaning fools like Steve Martin in The Jerk, Sasha Baron Cohen’s Borat, and Chevy Chase’s Clark Griswald-type characters. And while Will Arnett, Jeffery Tambor, Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert and Ken Jeong play excellent Blowhard Buffoons, it’s mostly on TV or in supporting film roles.

10 Great Movie Schmucks (Blowhard Buffoon Class)

Chico Marx

“You can’t a fool a me — there ain’t no sanity clause.”

“Sure we shadowed him. Tuesday we sit outside his house all day, but he no home. Wednesday we went to the ball game, he fool us and no show up. Thrusday he go to the ball game, but we fool him and we no show up. Friday it was a double header, nobody show up, so we stay home and listened to it on the radio.”

Buy the following Marx Brothers movies from redbox:

Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau

“Now then, what do we know? One, that Professor Fassbinder and his daughter have been kidnapped. Two, that someone has kidnapped them. Three, that my hand is on fire.”

Buy the Pink Panther movies from redbox:

Leslie Nielsen in Airplane! and The Naked Gun

“It’s the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year’s Day.”
“Goodyear?”
“No, the worst.”

“The truth hurts, doesn’t it? Oh sure, maybe not as much as landing on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts!”

Buy the following Leslie Nielsen movies from redbox:

Kevin Kline in A Fish Called Wanda

Otto: “Don’t call me stupid.”
Wanda: “Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you’re an intellectual, don’t you, ape?”
Otto “Apes don’t read philosophy.”
Wanda: “Yes they do, Otto. They just don’t understand it.”

Christopher Guest and Fred Willard in This is Spinal Tap, Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show

“You can’t really dust for vomit.”

“These go to eleven.”

“It’s a Zen thing, like how many babies fit in a tire.”

“Now tell me, which one of these dogs would you want to have as your wide receiver on your football team?”

“I went to one of those obedience places once. It was all going well until they spilled hot candle wax on my private parts.”

Buy the following Christopher Guest movies from redbox:

Will Ferrell in Anchorman, Talladega Nights, Blades of Glory, Semi-Pro, Step Brothers, Land of the Lost, The Other Guys

“They laughed at Louie Armstrong when he wanted to go to the moon. Now he is up there laughing at them.”

“The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show and see if she likes the goods.”

“Everybody panic! Oh my God, there’s a bear loose in the coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!”

Reserve The Other Guys on DVD and Blu-ray from redbox

Buy the following Will Ferrell movies from redbox:

Chris Tucker in Rush Hour

“The Beach Boys gonna get you a great ass whuppin’. Don’t you ever touch a black man’s radio, boy! You can do that in China but you can get your ass killed out here, man!”

Buy the Rush Hour movies from redbox:

Ben Stiller in Zoolander and Tropic Thunder

“If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it’s that a male model’s life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn’t mean that we too can’t not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.”

“I know you’re the big, fancy actor here, but I’ve done a lot more effect-driven films than you have and I think I can spot prop head when I see one! It’s corn syrup, guys! Corn syrup and latex. Warm, blood-flavored corn syrup.”

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

“Six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, ‘Wait a second, could it be?’ And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine.”

“I didn’t know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.”

Will Forte in MacGruber

“How did you know I was wearing a bullet-proof vest?”
MacGruber: “You’re wearing a bullet-proof vest?!”


4 Responses to “Schmucks on Parade! Ten Great Movie Morons”

  1. Impheatus
    Posted on January 6, 2011 at 8:53 am

    I think you’re missing Ace Ventura ;)

  2. Locke Peterseim
    Locke Peterseim
    Posted on January 6, 2011 at 11:10 am

    Ace Ventura was on my list, Impheatus and I honestly can’t recall at the moment why I cut him. In hindsight, yeah, I think I’d put Ventura on instead of Chris Tucker.

  3. Melaniett
    Posted on January 6, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    Steve Carell – especially in Anchorman!
    Also Chris Kattan in A Night at the Roxbury
    I think Will Ferrell gets too much credit for his movie successes. These guys helped make those movies.