redblog

Redblog’s Spooky Movie Week has also been a big Twilight week, with the release of a new Eclipse trailer and the announcement that Bill Condon (Gods and Monsters, Kinsey, Dreamgirls) will direct the Breaking Dawn film(s).

Last year around this time I published my Saturday Night Drive-in’s Twilight Theater for those folks who couldn’t be bothered to actually rent the DVD. So in the continued interest of public service, I now bring you the New Moon edition. If you’d prefer to read a regular review of New Moon (currently available for rental in the redboxes) check out Erika’s here, or my non-fan’s take on it last fall.

Otherwise, I present Saturday Night Drive-in’s New Moon Theater:

****

SULLEN GIRL: We’re star-crossed lovers haunted by misunderstanding, feuds, and death, just like Romeo and Juliet.

MOODY VAMPIRE BOY: Except Romeo owned a comb and Juliet could breathe through her nose.

****

SULLEN GIRL: So what did you get me for my birthday?

MOODY VAMPIRE BOY: Nothing, you told me not to get you anything.

SULLEN GIRL: Yes, I did. And you didn’t… How can you be over a hundred years old and still so clueless? Are all vampires as dumb as you, or did you drink a lot of clown blood?

****

FLIGHTY VAMPIRE GIRL: Happy birthday, Bella! I got you this double-edge razor!

VAMPIRE FRAT BOY: And I’m giving you this stuffed porcupine!

VAMPIRE SORORITY GIRL: I really hope you like this spinning ball of knives.

HARPO MARX VAMPIRE: I got you unwaxed dental floss!

****

MOODY VAMPIRE BOY: This is the last time you’ll ever see me.

SULLEN GIRL: Why, are you going to stand in front of a white wall?

****

SULLEN GIRL: My heart hurts so much—it’s like an Emopocalypse! I’m going to sit here in front of this window for four months.

DOPEY DAD: Because Sparklemotion dumped you?

SULLEN GIRL: Yes, but also because I accidentally crazy-glued my butt to the chair.

****

SULLEN GIRL: I write e-mails to Alice every day, even though they always bounce back undelivered. It shows how much I miss Edward and the Cullens.

OSCAR-NOMINATED FRIEND: I think it shows how much you can’t work e-mail.

****

SULLEN GIRL: I’ve brought you some old motorcycles to fix up.

WOLF BOY: Let me just lift those down with my newly huge arms.

SULLEN GIRL: And I brought you this mesh tank top. And these way too small shorts. And this bottle of baby oil.

WOLF BOY: I think you might be objectifying me to use as a rebound monster.

SULLEN GIRL: No, no, never. Don’t worry your pretty little head about things like that. Oops, look, I dropped a wrench. Could you be a sweetie and pick it up for me?

****

NICE BOY: I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me.

SULLEN GIRL: I tend to define myself only by the dangerous monster-men who won’t let themselves love me and cruelly shut me out emotionally.

NICE BOY: So you can’t go on a date with me tonight?

SULLEN GIRL: Sorry, going to a UFC match with Charlie Sheen. And then later meeting Smokey the Bear at a rave.

****

WOLF BOY: I find myself flying into super-aggro outbursts for no reason.

SULLEN GIRL: I’ve noticed.

WOLF BOY: But you find it kinda hot, don’t you?

SULLEN GIRL: Yeah, I’m really turned on by Muppets with ‘roid rage.

****

SULLEN GIRL (to Wolf Boy): You cut off your hair, are wearing jean shorts with no shirt, and you got a tattoo. So either you’ve joined a Native-American werewolf pack or the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

****

WOLF BOY: Look out, it’s that bad red-headed vampire!

SULLEN GIRL: But I thought vampires were all dreamy and sexy and sparkly?

WOLF BOY: Not this one–her dark sparkles kill! Beware her red-headed sparkles of death!

****

FLIGHTY VAMPIRE GIRL: Edward’s going to strip down and expose himself in public.

SULLEN GIRL: Does he do that a lot?

FLIGHTY VAMPIRE GIRL: Why do you think we move around so much?

****

SULLEN GIRL: Is that vampire lord being played by the very talented actor Michael Sheen or did someone shave a red-eyed ferret and teach it to walk on its hind legs?

****

MOODY VAMPIRE BOY:Dakota Fanning makes my head hurt.

SULLEN GIRL: Because her vampire character has deadly mental powers?

MOODY VAMPIRE BOY: Sure, we’ll go with that.

****

SULLEN GIRL: All those poor tourists are being led to their slaughter by the vampires. Shouldn’t we try to save them?

MOODY VAMPIRE BOY: Look at it this way, they won’t have to be in the next film.

SULLEN GIRL: Yoo-hoo! Doomed tourists! Wait up!

****

MOODY VAMPIRE BOY: Will you marry me so we can be together forever and dress like we live in the Little House on the Prairie?

SULLEN GIRL: ….

MOODY VAMPIRE BOY: Are you in shock? Happy? Sad? What?

SULLEN GIRL: Can’t you tell how stunned I am? My mouth is hanging open.

MOODY VAMPIRE BOY: Umm….