And here I thought guinea pigs could make anything better. How depressed am I to realize that isn't so?
You might remember from my look at the G-Force trailer back in January that my hopes were high for this particular Disney action-adventure-comedy as I had pet guinea pigs during high school and college. There will always be a soft spot in my heart for these squeaky, lovable little furballs, but unfortunately "Bruckheimered" guinea pigs are not nearly as awesome as the real thing. G-Force is the first family film I've seen in a long time that simply doesn't offer much for adults — its plot was generic and clichéd, most of its characters were forgettable, and its dialogue… good Lord, don't even get me started on that. Everyone involved in this movie clearly phoned in their efforts. Will kids get that impression, though? Probably not. Younger audiences will most likely be happy with the nearly constant
action, the high-energy soundtrack and the heaping load of 3D
effects. I'm just bitter because I feel like the entire cavy species got the shaft.
Zach Galifianakis — last seen in a very compromising position during the end credits of The Hangover — kicks off G-Force as Ben, a lowly government employee responsible for training a team of gadget-wearing guinea pigs (who can communicate with humans, thanks to one of those gizmos) for covert missions. They're trying to stop power-hungry businessman Leonard Saber (Bill Nighy) from launching something called Operation Clusterstorm (can you guess what similar term came to my mind?), but Will Arnett's perpetually angry FBI Agent decides to shut the G-Force down.
That's certainly not going to stop the mini-militia from putting an end to Saber's evil plan, though… even after the team ends up in a pet store. Led by the serious Darwin (Sam Rockwell), Juarez (Penélope Cruz), Blaster (Tracy Morgan) and Speckles the mole (Nicolas Cage, whose voice is unrecognizable) must determine how to bust out of captivity in order to save the world. Will longtime pet store residents Hurley (a chubby, mohawked guinea pig voiced by Jon Favreau) and Bucky (a paranoid, hyper hamster voiced by Steve Buscemi) be a help or a hindrance? I guess it depends on how much you value fart jokes, for which Hurley provides plenty of fodder.
As the piggies try to reunite with Ben and carry out their mission, their adventures lead to several bass-pumping action sequences (usually set to 'Boom Boom Pow' or 'I Gotta Feeling' by the Black Eyed Peas) that are kind of fun to watch… but partially ruined by lame exchanges such as "I can't get these guys off my tail!" / "We don't HAVE tails!!!" Morgan's character does little more than throw out exclamations like "Pimp my ride!" and Cruz's cavy is going to remind you that she's a feisty Latina at every possible opportunity. Meanwhile, you've got perhaps one of the most random choices for voice-work ever — Sam Rockwell — playing the straight-man–er, pig. The only person who really brought anything to his role was Buscemi, whose exasperated hamster served up at least a few honest laughs.
Since G-Force is targeted at younger audiences, I think I would've been more tolerant of its ho-hum plot, its shallow characters and its tired one-liners if there hadn't been so many Giving Kids Really Bad Ideas Scenes. As an animal lover, I can't help but cringe when guinea pigs — even though they're animated — are shown getting their nails painted, being forced to wear lipstick, being put in remote-controlled cars or getting tossed in cages with snakes… all by their young owners. Later in the movie there's a scene where Bucky is locked in a microwave. All that was going through my mind while watching these sequences was, "Please please please don't let me hear of any kids trying this with their own pets. What was Disney thinking?!?" (Before you shrug and say that I'm worrying about nothing, let's not forget about the fourteen-year-old who tried drinking fuel for the past several years because he wanted to be a Transformer — these things happen, folks.)
If I get past the CGI-animal endangerment and all of the other issues I had with G-Force, can I recommend it to parents who are simply looking to keep their children entertained for a few hours? Sure — it's not the worst family film I've ever seen, but let me remind you of some others out there either in theaters or on DVD that are all significantly better and provide something for viewers of all ages: Wall-E, Kung Fu Panda, Madagascar 2, City of Ember, Bolt, Beverly Hills Chihuahua and of course Up. My point is, you've got options, and all of them are better than G-Force.
Posted on October 5, 2009 at 7:52 am
Also Tom’s post is hilarious when he says
“I’ve seen a lot of animated movies the past few years, and “G Force” rates right down at the bottom with the likes of “Shark Boy and Lava Girl”.
If I had to see these in a double feature….well, gouging my eyes out sounds better.”