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The first twenty minutes of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen caused a weird sort of fight-or-flight response to come over me — I found myself desperately wanting to move to the back row of the theater… or flee altogether.  Basic survival instincts kicked in: "Surely if I'm farther away from the screen I will somehow be able to contain the massive, blinding migraine and waves of motion sickness that are about to overpower my body!"

But there would be no escaping the cerebral torture or the nausea.  Director Michael Bay's in-your-face, dizzying camerawork was going to make my eyes cry out for mercy and his big, bad explosions were going to cause my ears to scream (even with earplugs in) no matter where I sat.  I resigned myself to 147 minutes of full-on sensory assault. 

Needless to say, as with the original Transformers, the action in its sequel started out fast and furious.  However, this time around I didn't find myself sucked in and captivated by the mayhem like I was back in 2007, nor was I ever able to embrace the outrageous silliness of it all like I had before.  Perhaps the novelty of shapeshifting alien robots had worn off.  Perhaps the opening scene — which featured a bunch of cavemen-looking dudes — was so unexpected and bizarre (on top of including some really poor effects — yeah, I said it, ILM!) that it distracted me into wondering whether I had accidentally traveled back in time to a screening of 10,000 BC.  Perhaps part of the problem was that I no longer think Shia's as cute as he once was.  Perhaps the juvenile (and often bordering on offensive) humor sprinkled throughout the film was too embarrassing to tolerate.  Or maybe, just maybe, I couldn't ever fully lose myself in the ongoing adventures of Sam Witwicky (LaBeouf) because I tend to want to be able to figure out what in the hell is going on in any given movie I watch.  And if there's one challenge that's presented to filmgoers this summer season, it's to attempt to even remotely decipher the plot of Revenge of the Fallen. 

But for you, redblog readers, I will try.  The overarching story line is what you'd expect: the Decepticons still want to get rid of Sam and his Autobot pals and they don't really care if they destroy the entire human race, the earth and the sun in the process.  Fine.  That's not too complicated, right?  Just wait. 

Two years after the events of Transformers, Sam is just about to head off to college when a shard of the AllSpark (you remember, the thingy that's the source of life for the robots) falls out of his old sweatshirt.  When he looks at it, a ton of ancient alien secrets fill his brain… and also cause every small appliance in his parents' house to spring to life.  For whatever reason, he decides it's a good idea to hand the shard off to his girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox), who wears up-to-here jean shorts and down-to-there tops and oh-so-naturally strikes all sorts of come-hither poses on motorcycles while she's at "work." 

Once at school, Sam starts freaking out thanks to the symbols that have been scanned into his brain.  On top of that, his parents are wreaking havoc all over campus, the hottest girl in the freshman class wants to jump him, and he has to deal with a snarky roommate who just so happens to be the webmaster of an alien conspiracy web site (which conveniently comes into play later on).

What does all of this have to do with the Transformers?  It's hard telling, because they've already been battling each other elsewhere on Earth while the likes of Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson try to keep the United States' alliance with the Autobots under wraps.   In a very convoluted way, we eventually learn that the prehistoric opening scene of the film, the information in Sam's head, a really old, bearded Decepticon named Jetfire and a fabled object called the Matrix of Leadership all tie together and lead the entire cast of characters to Egypt.  There, the mother of all battles goes down.  Now, was that battle spectacular?  Yes, yes it was.  As were others over the course of two and a half hours, especially the epic, breathtaking good-versus-evil fight that takes place in a forest.  (Gigantic robots running around in the woods are even cooler than robots racing down highways or attacking each other in the desert… who knew?)  When it's possible to actually tell the Transformers apart and observe the grand scale of their combat, the movie is at its best.  But too often the various Autobots and Decepticons are hard to distinguish; watching a bunch of shiny colored metal clash with other shiny colored metal without knowing who's who or what's what is extremely frustrating…. and dare I say boring. 

As far as the humans go, the acting by everyone involved is mediocre at best — yep, sadly I have to admit that even my boy Shia was not at the top of his game.  But it's not like the cast had much to work with; everyone knows these movies aren't about the dialogue or dramatic performances.  Michael Bay films are about hot chicks, fast cars (or in this case, fast cars that morph into robots), fiery explosions, amazing action sequences and last but certainly not least, jaw-dropping special effects.  And aside from that opening sequence I lamented earlier in this review, the effects in the rest of the movie really are mind-blowing. 

But gee-whiz technology isn't enough to outweigh the lame attempts at humor (dogs humping each other?  Fart jokes?  Outdated rap slang?  Robot testicles?  Really?), the ultra-annoying (and some say racially offensive) "twin" Autobots, the continuity errors or the nonsensical story line.   And believe you me, I really, really, really wanted to like this movie.  I went into the theater ready and willing to overlook what I knew would be a lot of testosterone-fueled ridiculousness.  I enjoyed the original Transformers so much and had such high expectations for this sequel.  But I have to keep it real: once the godawful Linkin Park song started up during the Revenge of the Fallen credits, I left the theater not only disappointed, but also thoroughly annoyed that the team involved in this $200 million production thought — nay, knew — they could get away with serving up such poorly thought out, shallow and predictable crap.  Here's hoping that fans of the franchise get a little more credit and respect in 2012 when the third film comes out.  Last I checked, summer blockbusters — even those with lots of special effects and explosions — didn't have to be completely mindless and stupid. 

You can read Locke's take on Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen here.

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