A few life lessons I've learned from the undead in Underworld: Rise of the Lycans:
- You can never be too pale, or too skinny. Or too hairy. Or too British.
- Opposites attract. Sometimes they attract so much they have to strip down and get busy right there in the dungeon.
- Having your werewolf lover de-wormed isn’t just a good idea, it’s the key to a happy, parasite-free relationship.
- Everything looks better in a blue tint.
- Just because you’re English doesn’t mean you can’t have rockin’ pecs and abs.
- Rhona Mitra is no Kate Beckinsale, but Micheal Sheen has more manliness in his goatee than Scott Speedman has in his entire body.
- If you’re half man, half wolf, then leather vests, spiked collars, chains, and whippings aren’t a lifestyle choice, they’re just tools of the trade.
- If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing in slow motion with the wind in your hair. This is especially true when it comes to vamp-wolf lovin’.
- Clean up your own mess—the deal was we’d let you have a werewolf as long as you picked up after him.
- There’s no problem that can’t be solved by dropping to your knees and howling at the top of your lungs into the night sky.
- Sometimes to make an omelet you have to break a few peasant skulls. That’s what they’re there for.
- When your job title is Death Dealer, don’t expect to get invited to a lot of Game Nights.
- No matter how advanced CGI gets, werewolves will always look like giant frog-monkeys with scoliosis.
- Your Vampire Council works for you—get involved! Think globally, act nocturnally.
- Michael Sheen and Viggo Mortensen can pull off the long, greasy hair and beard thing. You can’t. Go shower and shave now, please.
- There may come a time when you feel like you're the only man-wolf lycan hybrid in the whole world and nobody will ever understand you. At times like these the best thing to do is bite a bunch more guys and turn them into man-wolf lycan hybrids.
- Ain’t no leapin’ like fancy wolfman leapin’.
- Take a nap every afternoon. Especially if exposure to sunlight makes your skin start to smoke and sizzle like a marshmallow that fell into the campfire.
Share everything with your half-wolf, half-human brethren… or one day they’ll rise up and turn you into an undead Pez dispenser.- Don’t hit people. It’s much better to stab them, shoot them with a crossbow, or tear out their throat with your teeth.
- It’s always darkest before the dawn. Unless you’re a vampire. Then the dawn can be a real mess.
- Even if you’re just doing it to get information, biting your vampire daughter in the neck is still kinda icky.
- Wash your hands before you eat your vampire overlords.
- The bigger the crossbow, the bigger the bolt. The bigger the bolt, the more wolfmen you can shish kabob.
- Keep your dungeon clean—you never know when you might have to lock your children in there.
- If you love your lycan, set him free. If he doesn’t come back, set his vampire lover on fire.
- It takes more than a sword through the mouth to stop Bill Nighy, kids.
- If you don’t make a few female lycans somewhere along the way, it’s going to be rough and frustrating trying to keep the species going.
- Don’t watch the third film of a horror action franchise—especially a prequel—with very high expectations. Or sober.
Posted on May 27, 2009 at 7:22 am
Excuse me Melissa and Kreg but where were the spoilers? In fact, I don’t think there was hardly any information in this movie that wasn’t presented in the first 2 movies. We already knew most of the outcome from this movie. We already knew who was with whom, who dies and how they die. This movie was more about how we get from point A to point B. We already know how things end, we just want to see how it unfolds. I might have missed it but I don’t really see how this movie could be spoiled unless someone didn’t see the other 2 movies. Realistically, if you read comments on the third movie in a trilogy and think that people aren’t going to talk about information that was presented in the first 2 movies, you are delusional.