Believe it or not, there are a few people out there who are not teenage girls. These people may have heard tell of the Twilight Phenomenon, but are not familiar with the books or the film.
But for the rest of you, I present Saturday Night Drive-in’s Twilight Theater:
PALE GIRL: Hi, I’m new here.
PALE BOY: I hate you. I love you. I want to eat you.
PALE GIRL: Let us go yearn for one another in the woods.
PALE GIRL: Did you just stop that van with your bare hands?
PALE BOY: No.
PALE GIRL: Yes you did.
PALE BOY: No I didn’t.
PALE GIRL: I saw you.
PALE BOY: You are clearly a crazy person.
PALE GIRL: I’m not.
PALE BOY: Look at me over here in the sunlight.
PALE GIRL: Ooooooh, sparkly.
PALE GIRL: You’re a chocolate pony filled with algebra?
PALE GIRL: How old are you?
PALE BOY: I’m a 21-year old actor, playing a 90-year-old vampire, pretending to be a 17-year old teenager.
PALE GIRL: So you can buy beer?
PALE BOY: I’m dangerous.
PALE GIRL: I’m not afraid.
PALE BOY: I watch you while you sleep.
PALE GIRL: That’s disturbingly hot.
PALE BOY: I’ve killed people.
PALE GIRL: I love you unconditionally.
PALE BOY: I drive a Volvo.
PALE GIRL: I just remembered I have a thing I have to go to…
PALE GIRL: You make me breathe through my mouth.
PALE BOY: I would like to take you on a date in a tree.
PALE BOY: I will refrain from doing anything un-gentlemanly, like killing and eating you.
PALE GIRL: I am dating the undead Jonas Brother.
PALE BOY: Do you see how fast I can run?
PALE GIRL: You look like a meth addict on a treadmill.
PALE BOY: You can’t run this fast.
PALE GIRL: Good. I’d hate to look that stupid.
PALE BOY: Us vampires like to play baseball.
PALE GIRL: Why?
PALE BOY: We suck at knitting.
PALE GIRL: Uh huh.
PALE BOY: See what I did there? “Suck at knitting.”
PALE GIRL: Yep, got that.
PALE GIRL: The Native American guys keep making wolf references.
PALE BOY: Shhhh. Those are sly nods to the fans who’ve read the other books.
PALE GIRL: There are more books?
PALE BOY: Yes, three more.
PALE GIRL: And we’re contractually obliged to appear in those films, too?
PALE BOY: Afraid so.
PALE GIRL: My agent is so dead.
PALE GIRL: Now? Or after I’m dead?
BAD GUY VAMPIRE: Well, not right now. I’m going to kill you right now.
PALE GIRL: Hmmm. Maybe I could leave a note for him. About the avenging?
BAD GUY VAMPIRE: Okay, that would work.
PALE BOY: Excuse me, some plot has come up. I must go wrassle this evil vampire.
PALE GIRL: Don’t mind me, I’ll be over here pining. And yearning. And bleeding.
PALE BOY: Would you like to go to prom with me?
PALE GIRL: Will there be a gazebo with fairy lights?
PALE BOY: Yes.
PALE GIRL: Will I feel like the most special, moody princess in the world?
PALE BOY: Yes.
PALE GIRL: Will there be synchronized group dancing?
PALE BOY: No.
PALE GIRL: Okay.
PALE GIRL: Our love is eternal.
PALE BOY: Our angst is interminable.
AUDIENCE: Our patience is finite.