Saturday Night Drive-in: Twilight Theater

by | Mar 28th, 2009 | 10:07PM | Filed under: DVD Reviews

Twilightposter
Believe it or not, there are a few people out there who are not teenage girls. These people may have heard tell of the Twilight Phenomenon, but are not familiar with the books or the film.

Now, if you want to read positive reviews of Twilight, check out Erika’s here, or James’s here.

But for the rest of you, I present Saturday Night Drive-in’s Twilight Theater:

PALE GIRL: Hi, I’m new here.

PALE BOY: I hate you. I love you. I want to eat you.

PALE GIRL: Let us go yearn for one another in the woods.

*****

PALE GIRL: Did you just stop that van with your bare hands?

PALE BOY: No.

PALE GIRL: Yes you did.

PALE BOY: No I didn’t.

PALE GIRL: I saw you.

PALE BOY: You are clearly a crazy person.

PALE GIRL: I’m not.

PALE BOY: Look at me over here in the sunlight.

PALE GIRL: Ooooooh, sparkly.

*****
Twilightclose pair
PALE BOY: I am your darkest desire and your worst nightmare.

PALE GIRL: You’re a chocolate pony filled with algebra?

*****

PALE GIRL: How old are you?

PALE BOY: I’m a 21-year old actor, playing a 90-year-old vampire, pretending to be a 17-year old teenager.

PALE GIRL: So you can buy beer?

*****

PALE BOY: I’m dangerous.

PALE GIRL: I’m not afraid.

PALE BOY: I watch you while you sleep.

PALE GIRL: That’s disturbingly hot.

PALE BOY: I’ve killed people.

PALE GIRL: I love you unconditionally.

PALE BOY: I drive a Volvo.

PALE GIRL: I just remembered I have a thing I have to go to…

*****

TwilighttreePALE BOY: You make me twitch and sulk.

PALE GIRL: You make me breathe through my mouth.

PALE BOY: I would like to take you on a date in a tree.

*****

PALE BOY: I will refrain from doing anything un-gentlemanly, like killing and eating you.

PALE GIRL: I am dating the undead Jonas Brother.

*****

PALE BOY: Do you see how fast I can run?

PALE GIRL: You look like a meth addict on a treadmill.

PALE BOY: You can’t run this fast.

PALE GIRL: Good. I’d hate to look that stupid.

*****

PALE BOY: Us vampires like to play baseball.

PALE GIRL: Why?

PALE BOY: We suck at knitting.

PALE GIRL: Uh huh.

PALE BOY: See what I did there? “Suck at knitting.”

PALE GIRL: Yep, got that.

*****

PALE GIRL: The Native American guys keep making wolf references.

PALE BOY: Shhhh. Those are sly nods to the fans who’ve read the other books.

PALE GIRL: There are more books?

PALE BOY: Yes, three more.

PALE GIRL: And we’re contractually obliged to appear in those films, too?

PALE BOY: Afraid so.

PALE GIRL: My agent is so dead.

*****

Twilightbad
BAD GUY VAMPIRE: I’m going to eat you. You can tell your boyfriend to avenge you.

PALE GIRL: Now? Or after I’m dead?

BAD GUY VAMPIRE: Well, not right now. I’m going to kill you right now.

PALE GIRL: Hmmm. Maybe I could leave a note for him. About the avenging?

BAD GUY VAMPIRE: Okay, that would work.

PALE BOY: Excuse me, some plot has come up. I must go wrassle this evil vampire.

PALE GIRL: Don’t mind me, I’ll be over here pining. And yearning. And bleeding.

*****

PALE BOY: Would you like to go to prom with me?

PALE GIRL: Will there be a gazebo with fairy lights?

PALE BOY: Yes.

PALE GIRL: Will I feel like the most special, moody princess in the world?

PALE BOY: Yes.

PALE GIRL: Will there be synchronized group dancing?

PALE BOY: No.

PALE GIRL: Okay.

*****

PALE GIRL: Our love is eternal.

PALE BOY: Our angst is interminable.

AUDIENCE: Our patience is finite.


42 Responses to “Saturday Night Drive-in: Twilight Theater”

  1. Children of the 90s
    Posted on July 1, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    This is absolutely hilarious. The movie was just on at the gym yesterday so I caught part of it for the first time. Maybe I’m just not caught up on the teenage girl hype, but I didn’t really understand the anticlimactic drama backed up by suspenseful music. For two hours. Of my life. Now gone. Love Robert Pattinson, though.

  2. Parsing Nonsense
    Posted on July 1, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    If you liked this, you’ll really like the puppet take on Twilight. Just type that into YouTube and enjoy, so much fun!
    My personal favorite from your list was the interminable angst and finite patience, that was beautiful.

  3. Ninotchka
    Posted on July 1, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    I love Twilight but this is FANTASTIC. Thank you.

  4. Hanlie
    Posted on July 1, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    I haven’t read the books, and when I asked the guy at the video store about the DVD he said, “To be honest, they make vampires look a bit gay”. So we passed on the movie too! Just as well, otherwise I’d never hear the end of it – my husband would hate all this paleness and yearning!

  5. Jamie
    Posted on July 1, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    Total genius. I laughed through the entire thing!

  6. Manic Mommy
    Posted on July 1, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    Oh MY GOD! Just found this link from Jen Lancaster and just saw the movie for the second time Monday night, so this is freshalicious!
    FABULOUS! I am going to tweet it to everyone!!!
    (well, not everyone, just the suckers who follow me and wish they didn’t … but they will love me now when I share this!)

  7. North
    Posted on July 2, 2009 at 2:50 am

    I rented it and I want my money back!! I lasted twenty minutes and it was sheer self-forced inflicted torture.. because I paid four-fifty to rent one of the most boring movies I ever watched for twenty minutes! Now.. where’s the line for my refund???

  8. North
    Posted on July 2, 2009 at 2:51 am

    btw Locke… great movie review.. I laughed, giggled n’chuckled too(where do I send the checque?)

  9. Rachel
    Posted on July 5, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    “The undead Jonas Brother”
    that made me laugh so hard I spit out coffee onto the monitor.
    I Netflixed that movie and felt like I really wanted those 2 hours of my life back. I feel worse for two of my friends who want the 2 hours AND their money back.

  10. Karen
    Posted on July 9, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Haven’t read the books yet. Saw the movie and this is absolutely dead on. I love it. I can’t wait for your take on the other movies!

  11. Sarah B.
    Posted on July 11, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    a friend sent me a link to this…hilarious!! hated the movie, loved the books. sometimes i don’t read for intellectual stimulation. sometimes i just need to get away from my textbooks for one hour. i got sucked in to this series and i am not ashamed of it. mindless novels are good for the soul!!

  12. K-lei
    Posted on July 12, 2009 at 6:58 am

    All I can say is Twilight= a pathetic example of why people shouldn’t be given a bunch of money and a camera. A beautiful review, just sorry you had to actually watch the movie to write it.

  13. shannon
    Posted on August 11, 2009 at 11:35 am

    spot on – locke

  14. Blake
    Posted on September 9, 2009 at 1:21 am

    Eh, I didn’t hate the movie, but I didn’t necessarily like it either. Your reiview was Effing Hilarious though

  15. Ms.TwilightVoice
    Posted on October 14, 2009 at 9:31 pm

    Please don’t diss Twilight! Twilight is awesome,you haters!

  16. Eric
    Posted on December 23, 2009 at 9:35 am

    I think you should write one for the New Moon that just came out.

  17. Chloe30cP
    Posted on February 10, 2010 at 1:32 am

    If you go on with your research associated with this post, I will probably buy thesis title at the service in Internet.
    [Note from Locke: We get spam like this all the time, but I just had to publish this one for a research-paper-writing site. If anyone IS looking for an awesome thesis paper on Twilight, I will happily provide one!]