redblog

6:00 — I'm an hour late getting started on E!!!'s red-carpet coverage. I feel bad about that. I've deprived myself, and you, the reader, of at least 45 minutes of banal, cliche questions and rote answers from people not necessarily connected to any nominated films. Seacrest is talking to Seal and Heidi Klum. I'm not really listening. I need to get my game face on.

6:05 — I realize that by skipping the first hour of the red carpet, I've  probably missed at least four questions about Heath Ledger. I apologize to the late Mr. Ledger's family and friends.

6:10 — The 'Crest is talking to Michael Sheen about Frost/Nixon. He hasn't asked him yet about Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. Sheen compares working with Ron Howard to swimming with dolphins. I'm sure there's a bald joke in there, but I'm not going to make it… yet.

6:13 — Sarah Jessica Parker is wearing a dress. This appears to be important.

6:15 — E!!!! has a Glamastrator. This is advanced TV technology that allows them to freeze-frame video footage. Whoa. Blow my mind. It's like watching the future now, only in the past.

6:18 — We learn that you shouldn't wear red on the red carpet because you might blend in and disappear. Not many people know it, but this is how we lost Sandra Bullock. Folks just don't talk about it.

6:20 — Amy Adams can wear red on the red carpet. Her perkiness protects her.

6:22 — Robert Pattinson is dully British. Also it appears that not only do vampires not use mirrors, they do not use combs either.

6:25 — Matthew Broderick comes off so hen-pecked by SJP that I'm surprised he doesn't leak when he drinks.

6:27 — Marisa Tomei is back. 'Crest doesn't ask her which Oscar-nominated role was more degrading: playing a worn-down stripper or working with Joe Pesci.

6:30 — Mickey Rourke is talking about his recently deceased chihuahua, Miss Loki. Forget Marley & Me, let's see that movie: Mickey & Miss Loki. It's impossible to keep up on the blogging about Rourke on the carpet or at the podium — he's just a non-stop fount of lovable, scruffy wackiness.

6:35 — Ron "The Dolphin" Howard is talking about Frost/Nixon. He compares working with Frank Langella and Michael Sheen to dancing with wolves. Or running with bulls. Or roller-skating with buffalo.

6:40 — Peter Gabriel has officially completed his transformation into Phil Collins, musically and physically.

6:42 — The 'Crest is smelling Evan Rachel Wood. We're going to look away uncomfortably for a bit.

6:45 — No idea what Penelope Cruz is saying. But it sounds very sexy.

6:47 — One year after winning Best Actress, Marion Cotillard is already a trivia question.

6:50 — Kate Winslet hair is described as "futuristic" — a future ruled by Glamastrators.

6:53 — Tilda Swinton is luminous…no, wait… I mean translucent. She is draped in something dazzlingly drab from either the morgue or the Horribly Underpaid Temp Collection.

6:55 — E!!! uses the same "Star Tracker" label-tracking graphics to keep track of the stars in the crowd that Fox uses in NASCAR coverage. If only there were also red-carpet crashes.

6:57 — E!!! commentators' obsession with Brangelina takes vacuous to new levels of… um, vacuousness… It's like giving a microphone to 12-year-olds at the mall. I think one of them just piddled a little with excitement.

7:00 — Robert Downey, Jr. combed his hair for the big night. Whether Johnny Depp washed his remains to be seen.

7:05 — Switching over to the "official" ABC red-carpet coverage. So far no Heath Ledger questions over on E!!! I feel empty. Unfulfilled.

7:07 — Josh Brolin is orange. Someone needs to rub him on Tilda Swinton.

7:08 — Because they are "official," the ABC hosts are not separated from the stars by the electrified hedge that protects the celebrities from the cable weasels.

7:10 — Tim Gunn doesn't bother to let Brangelina speak. Probably for the best.

7:12 — Designer Valentino is talking fashion and promoting his upcoming role in The Mummy 4.

7:15 — More Dead Loki Dog talk with Rourke. On the red carpet, Dead Ledger = out. Dead Loki = in.

7:17 — Our first tweener-star sighting: Hudgens and Ephron. The E!!! coverage was surprisingly light on Mileys and Jonai. My inner teenage girl is trying to cope.

7:19 — It's Miley!!! ABC comes through! My inner teenage girl is happy again. Not as happy as it would be if it got a pony, but still happy.

7:21 — Still no idea what Penelope Cruz is saying. Still sexy.

7:23 — Richard Jenkins is like the Miley of middle-aged balding character actors.

7:25 — Jack Black and Seth Rogen are interviewed at the bar. If they really want to do something new and exciting for the Oscars, the producers should just put a mic on them all evening and pour drinks down their throats as if it were St. Patrick's day.

That's it for the pre-show! Join us now over at the live blog of The First Hour!